Hi ma,

I'm writing this cause, well, only way I can speak to you now.

I miss you. And I can't get over the fact that I didn't say goodbye. I debated over doing so for so long, so many times I would come in to your room thinking I had finally built up the courage to do so only to find out that I hadn't and then I'd leave. A part of me didn't say good bye cause I felt like I was giving up on you when you weren't giving up.

I've been sleeping in your room now, I don't know why but I feel like maybe someday I'll get up and you'll be there.

I wish I had talked to you properly, I wanted to say so much. You meant everything to me, so much so that I feel totally lost now. I want to ask for your help but I can't. You were probably the only person who could tell me how to get over your death. I don't know how to. There are days where I completely forget that you're not here anymore, life just seems "normal" but then things happen and it hits me hard.

I miss you ma, I want to have one more chance to talk to you. Just one :(

I

The song is on repeat. The world is blocked out. Emotions fill me. The mood is set once more, so here goes...

I am god. My word is law, my actions unquestionable. I follow my thoughts, they rule my life. I care for all but I cannot be forced to care. I am the sun, I go and come as I please, you can not stop me from my path. I am god, I listen to no one except one.

I've been called stubborn many times. I agree with everyone who says so. But it is all an illusion, I think I like to believe I am stubborn. I don't think I am though. I am god in my own mind, but not in reality. In reality I am putty, I get molded to suit the situation, to suit others. It used to be that I listened to only "one". That "one" now has turned into a plethora of suggestions and orders that I allow to mold me in to a different individual.

Experts will tell us that our surroundings dictate our "character". But when does this "character" stop from being ours? I look back four years, I may have the same core, I may yet be me. But I have given up so much that I regret now. Some probably akin it to me being mature, it probably is. But I fucking miss that kid, a kid that only surfaces around one person. And after that person is no longer here, I am afraid I will lose that kid too. Should I just let go? is "forever young" even possible in this modern era of ours? I struggle to figure out the parts of myself that I should hold on to and the parts I should let go.

I was god, I am now 22.

Adieu

PS: Major Deja vu

Jesus greater than Vuvuzela

Its the season of the football world cup. The Africans are going crazy with their horns, annoyingly so if I might add. But it seems there is one thing that might be greater than those damn stupid horns. Jesus.

I just read today that a 60 something man was murdered by his 60 something wife and 2 children. That in it's self is a shocking story, but where it gets really unbelievable is what he was killed over. He went for the remote. After being denied the remote by his loving family, he then preceeded to get up and change channels manually to watch the World Cup. What was on the other channel? A gospel show. Yup, his family killed him because he changed the channel and didn't let them watch their religious show.

I respect religion on paper. Its teachings are truly good. But religion, like communism, is only good on paper. Leave it in the hands of a human being it is vile thing at times.

I don't want to condemn people who believe in their faiths, all to their own. I'm just losing hope on humanity as a whole. I once told my brother that I wish that by the time I die there would be enough technological advancements available so that I could freeze my brain and then have it revived 50-100 years later just to see where my species has gone. I believed that we would be incredibly advanced, peaceful, and maybe finally have understood the workings of this universe. Now, I don't think I want to see that future. I doubt it will be much different.

I'm sure it will be crazy good in some ways, but imagine if just knowing E=MC^2 created the atom bomb. What this brilliant but undoubtedly flawed species would come in once we do find that "theory of everything".

If believing in your own god can cause such havoc in this world, imagine if humans could actually play god. I just hope that whoever does eventually have the ability to play god has a heart of gold. I doubt it, but I hope so.

Human race: Fucking up since the time of the apes.

Adieu

Right. Time for some therapy.

"Doc, I feel depressed, confused and de-motivated. What-ever shall I do"

Doc: "Grow a pair"

Seems like this is the only way to get out of this one alive. Time to grow a pair. It sounds so easy. I know for a fact that its not going to be. My life is being shaken to the core right now and I have to figure out a way to come out of it alive. Not only alive, but functional. Got another 60 odd years left of my natural life. Its a long time to survive, longer if I don't get my head straight.

Doomsday is closing in. I feel it now, it breathes its heavy breath on my neck. It drips from my eyes and moistens my cheeks. I can't see past it yet. I don't know what lies beyond the inevitable. It is inevitable now, it always was, but it seems even more so now. Just wish that I could share it with someone.

I may come out stronger from this, thats the plan. But I know for a fact that I'll always be broken. I'm never going to be the same. My identity, my innocence has been slowly eroding away.

"Will I be me, doc?"

"You will be what she wanted you to be. You will be what she has imagined your life is going to be after she's gone. Then when it comes time for you to move on, you will hopefully be able to feel her smiling down on you, ushering you to her. Even though you don't believe in it.

She will live on, through you."

And then he hit bottom

In to lower depths I fall

At my own will

She sings in to my ear

into the depths she calls

Misery has come to me in a song

She flows through me like a drug

Unable to stop taking hits

Even though I know its wrong

I am only a man

She lifted me up, gave me hope

Then she woke me

Only a boy, never a man

I listen to her once again

She hums to me softly

Her subliminal torture

life from me it drains..

Do re me fa..

Music. What an extraordinary thing. I'm listening to some lady singing in Italian right now (Elisa - Eppure Sentire, youtube it. ). I have no Idea what she is saying, but it sure does make me "feel". I've always been very picky about my music. Softened up over the last few years. I still enjoy my thrash metal, going on a long drive, windows down, slight headbanging, air drumming. I don't know of many other stress busters than doing just that.

But in moments like this, when loneliness grabs you, squeezes you tight and then gives you a sweet little kiss on the lips, a song like this Italian ladies really hits hard. I've gone from being nervous about tornadoes going through the room I sleep in now, to being in a surreal daze. With every emotional thought I can conjure up; old lovers, new crushes, mom and so on and so forth. But yet, I feel incredibly alive. This song has done to me tonight, what lynyrd skynyrds' Simple Man did to me about a year ago. Pumped new life in to me and I don't even know what she's saying. This is why I love music. I'll always regret if I don't make any. I don't hope to be the next big star. I just hope that someone out there, in this world, will listen to what I play and feel what I feel now. A sense of being alive.

In moments like these, I actually feel immortal. Times slowing down, I no longer care of anything else other than this moment lasting longer. It wont, sadly. I will repeat this song till its effect on me is nullified. But I'll have this moment, like a mistress who you can't hold on to because that pesky wife called life will take half your money if you leave her.

Music, bloody hell.

tl;dr

Right, this is something a lot closer to my heart, or its going to be soon, I think. Death. Straight of, I suck with death. I have no idea what the "proper" way to react to it is, there probably isn't.

Short version: People dying, I'm confused

Long version: read...

I've only lost one person before that I really cared about. It was a random person I met over the net, got close and she passed away within a year of me speaking to her. And yes, she might have been some fat bloke looking to scam me for money, but it doesn't matter. The person is real to me. The sentiments are real. Never met her, and I never will, obviously. But I still have things that remind me of her around me. I'm not exactly sad, but I haven't let go. To me she was words on a screen (words that I loved, mind you) and I expect those words to pop up on MSN still. Pathetic? I'd say so.

But that isn't even going to be a billionth as hard as the next person I am about to lose. Whats worse is, I don't even know when it will be. My biggest fear right now is that it will be now, while I'm away from home. Even now as I wrote that down, I feel like I just probably made it happen. That I've just tested fate. The oddest thing about that is, I don't believe in fate. In fact, there are a lot of things I don't believe in that I'm believing in now. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but yet I feel like she will live on after she's gone. I don't believe in god, but yet I pray for her to live longer. I don't believe in Karma, yet I feel like I may have caused this in some way. Maybe thats how these things come about. Faith, I think, has come about due to death. Its come about due to humans facing their own mortality. We WANT there to be more to life. I sure want there to be more to life for her, for myself, after she's gone. Its almost like the belief of god/afterlife/destiny and all that mumbo jumbo that I do not believe in is programmed in to my DNA. That its a fail-safe. It switches on when things go real bad, or when we are frightened. Ok, frightened is probably understating it. MY BALLS JUST DROPPED 20 STORIES- Scared would be more appropriate.

Moving on from that idea, I have another thing that bothers me. Am I allowed to be happy? Should I be miserable? I know I'm not miserable even though I do have my off days. They can be horrible, but I seem to be doing ok. Should I tell her that I feel horrible, or should I put on that smile, walk in to that room and tell her that I hate the shit she watches on tv and then walk back out. (before you judge me, I still spend time with her).

Like most people in this given situation, I have many conflicting emotions. I have guilt, for the above para. I have anger, at that fucking idiot of a doctor who told her it was a blood clot. I have sadness, for not being able to pamper her like I wanted once I started earning. I'm also happy at times, its hard not to be when she smiles.

I apologies for the lack of sense behind this, I think its easy to understand that this is something hard to put down on paper (or in this case, text). Also, I might come back to this on a later date, its nowhere near finished.

To those who are in similar situations as me, help.

Adieu

Ex's

I bet everyone who has ever blogged already has or will have a discussion on "ex's". So I'm going to knock this one out early. Not because I feel obliged to, but because Its actually a topic of discussion for me as of now.

Right, so, how do you define getting over someone? I've loved, and cruelly lost in this game. But funny thing is, I've always said, it happens. It didn't hurt me when the act of losing it happened, then why does jealousy still exist? Why do you want something thats happened and something that probably will never work and when will that wanting stop?

I know when, and even though its the most asshole-ish way of it, its probably the truth. It'll happen when that "ex" is replaced. Simple. Now, I replaced my ex, only to find out that who I replaced it with is not what I wanted. So I hurt her, and kindly asked her to fuck off. But she didn't fuck off, she insists on sticking around. So now, I'm that ex for her. Funny how the world works, aye? Now she has loved, she's lost it, but she doesn't realise it. Either that, or just not ready to accept it. Its probably the latter. So, its time to be an asshole again now, this time a bigger one. Yeah, judge me if you want, but its the only way.

Another part about this "ex" business. Giving advice. I've given someone a shit load of advice now that I should have listened myself. Am I being a hypocrite then? A part of me thinks so and iiiii fucking hate it. I feel dirty, like a whore. Ha and she's the first person to read this after I'm done writing. Incredible. But, the other part of me thinks its me giving advice after my own experiences. Maybe its me not wanting her to go through what I did.

Conclusion: Like the other billion people who have blogged ( I hate saying blog), nay, written about this, I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing. And no one will. Its funny, throughout human change. Ex's will always be the same and through all its cultures and races, Ex's will always be comparable.

Ok, going on tangents again.

Adieu

Introductions..

Right, here this goes. As the title of my "blog" (elongate the o to say it like I am right now) says, I'm a simple man. I don't do fashion, I don't do expensive clothes, I'm not very cultural or knowledgeable of worldly matters. I do however think a lot, sometimes its hard to stop. I'm also very opinionated, so there could be some LONG as fuck (I also curse a lot) posts that might come your way. And by now, you're bored and decided to fuck off.

For the person who has stuck around, I'm Krits.

I'm not sure what I'm going to achieve here. One thing I've figured out already is, peer pressure works. It only took some light insisting from two friends to get me to do this. One says I can be a writer. So lets find out.

So, until next time. When I have something to say.

Adieu