I haven't let myself think of you in a while. Kept these emotions out. But a combination of alcohol, a mellow song, drinks with dad and most importantly, regret of you missing out on meeting someone special to me is to much to handle. I wonder sometimes what you might think of me if you were looking down on me, I know I don't really believe in that but the basic human instinct sometimes overcomes my rational thinking. So for the sake of entertaining my human instinct, lets assume you are looking down on me. Have I disappointed you? I hope not, I don't think I've done everything right since you've gone, but I don't think I did anything that would anger you. Would you still be proud of me? I see my strong morals slipping, they were not what they used to be. Morals I built on your words, your feelings, your love. If they're slipping, does that mean I'm letting you go too? If I was, would you be hurt cause it is to early to let you go? For my own sanity, I like to think I'm finding my own place in this world, my own take at this life. But sometimes I feel if you saw me now I would hurt you. You said once that once you were gone we would all just have fun. That line makes me real guilty, but I also realise I have a long life to live. I don't know what the proper balance is between respecting your memory and making a life for myself. Sometimes I feel like the only way I could possibly survive is to block you out emotionally, but just the thought of doing that angers me.
So if you're looking down on me, guide me. Show me the way. Wipe these tears.
Funnily enough after a long time I heard your voice in my head tonight. I thought I had forgotten what you sounded like. There are so many things I could say if I had just one more chance...
