Right. Time for some therapy.

"Doc, I feel depressed, confused and de-motivated. What-ever shall I do"

Doc: "Grow a pair"

Seems like this is the only way to get out of this one alive. Time to grow a pair. It sounds so easy. I know for a fact that its not going to be. My life is being shaken to the core right now and I have to figure out a way to come out of it alive. Not only alive, but functional. Got another 60 odd years left of my natural life. Its a long time to survive, longer if I don't get my head straight.

Doomsday is closing in. I feel it now, it breathes its heavy breath on my neck. It drips from my eyes and moistens my cheeks. I can't see past it yet. I don't know what lies beyond the inevitable. It is inevitable now, it always was, but it seems even more so now. Just wish that I could share it with someone.

I may come out stronger from this, thats the plan. But I know for a fact that I'll always be broken. I'm never going to be the same. My identity, my innocence has been slowly eroding away.

"Will I be me, doc?"

"You will be what she wanted you to be. You will be what she has imagined your life is going to be after she's gone. Then when it comes time for you to move on, you will hopefully be able to feel her smiling down on you, ushering you to her. Even though you don't believe in it.

She will live on, through you."

And then he hit bottom

In to lower depths I fall

At my own will

She sings in to my ear

into the depths she calls

Misery has come to me in a song

She flows through me like a drug

Unable to stop taking hits

Even though I know its wrong

I am only a man

She lifted me up, gave me hope

Then she woke me

Only a boy, never a man

I listen to her once again

She hums to me softly

Her subliminal torture

life from me it drains..

Do re me fa..

Music. What an extraordinary thing. I'm listening to some lady singing in Italian right now (Elisa - Eppure Sentire, youtube it. ). I have no Idea what she is saying, but it sure does make me "feel". I've always been very picky about my music. Softened up over the last few years. I still enjoy my thrash metal, going on a long drive, windows down, slight headbanging, air drumming. I don't know of many other stress busters than doing just that.

But in moments like this, when loneliness grabs you, squeezes you tight and then gives you a sweet little kiss on the lips, a song like this Italian ladies really hits hard. I've gone from being nervous about tornadoes going through the room I sleep in now, to being in a surreal daze. With every emotional thought I can conjure up; old lovers, new crushes, mom and so on and so forth. But yet, I feel incredibly alive. This song has done to me tonight, what lynyrd skynyrds' Simple Man did to me about a year ago. Pumped new life in to me and I don't even know what she's saying. This is why I love music. I'll always regret if I don't make any. I don't hope to be the next big star. I just hope that someone out there, in this world, will listen to what I play and feel what I feel now. A sense of being alive.

In moments like these, I actually feel immortal. Times slowing down, I no longer care of anything else other than this moment lasting longer. It wont, sadly. I will repeat this song till its effect on me is nullified. But I'll have this moment, like a mistress who you can't hold on to because that pesky wife called life will take half your money if you leave her.

Music, bloody hell.