Short version: People dying, I'm confused
Long version: read...
I've only lost one person before that I really cared about. It was a random person I met over the net, got close and she passed away within a year of me speaking to her. And yes, she might have been some fat bloke looking to scam me for money, but it doesn't matter. The person is real to me. The sentiments are real. Never met her, and I never will, obviously. But I still have things that remind me of her around me. I'm not exactly sad, but I haven't let go. To me she was words on a screen (words that I loved, mind you) and I expect those words to pop up on MSN still. Pathetic? I'd say so.
But that isn't even going to be a billionth as hard as the next person I am about to lose. Whats worse is, I don't even know when it will be. My biggest fear right now is that it will be now, while I'm away from home. Even now as I wrote that down, I feel like I just probably made it happen. That I've just tested fate. The oddest thing about that is, I don't believe in fate. In fact, there are a lot of things I don't believe in that I'm believing in now. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but yet I feel like she will live on after she's gone. I don't believe in god, but yet I pray for her to live longer. I don't believe in Karma, yet I feel like I may have caused this in some way. Maybe thats how these things come about. Faith, I think, has come about due to death. Its come about due to humans facing their own mortality. We WANT there to be more to life. I sure want there to be more to life for her, for myself, after she's gone. Its almost like the belief of god/afterlife/destiny and all that mumbo jumbo that I do not believe in is programmed in to my DNA. That its a fail-safe. It switches on when things go real bad, or when we are frightened. Ok, frightened is probably understating it. MY BALLS JUST DROPPED 20 STORIES- Scared would be more appropriate.
Moving on from that idea, I have another thing that bothers me. Am I allowed to be happy? Should I be miserable? I know I'm not miserable even though I do have my off days. They can be horrible, but I seem to be doing ok. Should I tell her that I feel horrible, or should I put on that smile, walk in to that room and tell her that I hate the shit she watches on tv and then walk back out. (before you judge me, I still spend time with her).
Like most people in this given situation, I have many conflicting emotions. I have guilt, for the above para. I have anger, at that fucking idiot of a doctor who told her it was a blood clot. I have sadness, for not being able to pamper her like I wanted once I started earning. I'm also happy at times, its hard not to be when she smiles.
I apologies for the lack of sense behind this, I think its easy to understand that this is something hard to put down on paper (or in this case, text). Also, I might come back to this on a later date, its nowhere near finished.
To those who are in similar situations as me, help.
Adieu
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