Battling my emotions

I haven't let myself think of you in a while. Kept these emotions out. But a combination of alcohol, a mellow song, drinks with dad and most importantly, regret of you missing out on meeting someone special to me is to much to handle. I wonder sometimes what you might think of me if you were looking down on me, I know I don't really believe in that but the basic human instinct sometimes overcomes my rational thinking. So for the sake of entertaining my human instinct, lets assume you are looking down on me. Have I disappointed you? I hope not, I don't think I've done everything right since you've gone, but I don't think I did anything that would anger you. Would you still be proud of me? I see my strong morals slipping, they were not what they used to be. Morals I built on your words, your feelings, your love. If they're slipping, does that mean I'm letting you go too? If I was, would you be hurt cause it is to early to let you go? For my own sanity, I like to think I'm finding my own place in this world, my own take at this life. But sometimes I feel if you saw me now I would hurt you. You said once that once you were gone we would all just have fun. That line makes me real guilty, but I also realise I have a long life to live. I don't know what the proper balance is between respecting your memory and making a life for myself. Sometimes I feel like the only way I could possibly survive is to block you out emotionally, but just the thought of doing that angers me.

So if you're looking down on me, guide me. Show me the way. Wipe these tears.

Funnily enough after a long time I heard your voice in my head tonight. I thought I had forgotten what you sounded like. There are so many things I could say if I had just one more chance...

Hello old fri... Yeah I'm not starting with that shit.

Things that have changed since I last wrote on here.

1) Mom died.. So subtle, aren't I?

2) Got into a relationship with the woman I tried so very hard to push away

3) Got a job (Well, sort of)

4) Forgot about writing. And then remembered again. WOOOO

In most previous articles ,or whatever the fuck you call these things, I was normally in some sort of melancholic/philosophical mood. Today, I'm just bored as fuck, so this blog is not going to have any theme as such. Its just good to be alone. I'm in spain, don't know anyone other than my batch mates, who at this time are doing their sim sessions. No one is online, No texts to reply to. Just my lappy, the music on my lappy, and my fucked up HDD that refuses to work. But this day has been more relaxing than I thought it would be.

I'm sort of a worrier of others. I like to care. But the last two hours or so, I'm oblivious to this world and its a bit of a relief. I'm sure I'll go back to my old ways soon enough. But this has been a rare..... a rare... ok for the life of me I can't grab the word I need from my head right now. Vocabulary fail much?

Few observations of spain:

Women here = Hot. How are they all so fit? And why the fuck do they show up at grocery stores in mini skirts? Makes me sound like some loser, but its not something you see in India everday (where the cows eat hay?). Look, I made a funny!. Secondly, Spanish people are damn cute when they talk in English (No, I do not have a hard on for my instructor) but he is still cute. "Study hard, but make funny too". Every single one of my instructors has said that to us. Also, My instructor says he's 91. I don't believe him, but its funny. He looks like Mario too. 1 up!.

Final thought for the day. Why is it that you end up liking a song that you'd generally hate? I mean what separates this one song from the other 1ooo songs that sound just like it? and I hate all of the other 1000. But this one. Love it. Hypocrite? I think not, its just like women I guess. They all have those cute smiles, they all have those pretty eyes, they all have tits that you'd love, asses you'd grope. But you end up liking one a lot more than the others. And then they ask you "Why?" And I have no answer to that.

Adios

Hi ma,

I'm writing this cause, well, only way I can speak to you now.

I miss you. And I can't get over the fact that I didn't say goodbye. I debated over doing so for so long, so many times I would come in to your room thinking I had finally built up the courage to do so only to find out that I hadn't and then I'd leave. A part of me didn't say good bye cause I felt like I was giving up on you when you weren't giving up.

I've been sleeping in your room now, I don't know why but I feel like maybe someday I'll get up and you'll be there.

I wish I had talked to you properly, I wanted to say so much. You meant everything to me, so much so that I feel totally lost now. I want to ask for your help but I can't. You were probably the only person who could tell me how to get over your death. I don't know how to. There are days where I completely forget that you're not here anymore, life just seems "normal" but then things happen and it hits me hard.

I miss you ma, I want to have one more chance to talk to you. Just one :(

I

The song is on repeat. The world is blocked out. Emotions fill me. The mood is set once more, so here goes...

I am god. My word is law, my actions unquestionable. I follow my thoughts, they rule my life. I care for all but I cannot be forced to care. I am the sun, I go and come as I please, you can not stop me from my path. I am god, I listen to no one except one.

I've been called stubborn many times. I agree with everyone who says so. But it is all an illusion, I think I like to believe I am stubborn. I don't think I am though. I am god in my own mind, but not in reality. In reality I am putty, I get molded to suit the situation, to suit others. It used to be that I listened to only "one". That "one" now has turned into a plethora of suggestions and orders that I allow to mold me in to a different individual.

Experts will tell us that our surroundings dictate our "character". But when does this "character" stop from being ours? I look back four years, I may have the same core, I may yet be me. But I have given up so much that I regret now. Some probably akin it to me being mature, it probably is. But I fucking miss that kid, a kid that only surfaces around one person. And after that person is no longer here, I am afraid I will lose that kid too. Should I just let go? is "forever young" even possible in this modern era of ours? I struggle to figure out the parts of myself that I should hold on to and the parts I should let go.

I was god, I am now 22.

Adieu

PS: Major Deja vu

Jesus greater than Vuvuzela

Its the season of the football world cup. The Africans are going crazy with their horns, annoyingly so if I might add. But it seems there is one thing that might be greater than those damn stupid horns. Jesus.

I just read today that a 60 something man was murdered by his 60 something wife and 2 children. That in it's self is a shocking story, but where it gets really unbelievable is what he was killed over. He went for the remote. After being denied the remote by his loving family, he then preceeded to get up and change channels manually to watch the World Cup. What was on the other channel? A gospel show. Yup, his family killed him because he changed the channel and didn't let them watch their religious show.

I respect religion on paper. Its teachings are truly good. But religion, like communism, is only good on paper. Leave it in the hands of a human being it is vile thing at times.

I don't want to condemn people who believe in their faiths, all to their own. I'm just losing hope on humanity as a whole. I once told my brother that I wish that by the time I die there would be enough technological advancements available so that I could freeze my brain and then have it revived 50-100 years later just to see where my species has gone. I believed that we would be incredibly advanced, peaceful, and maybe finally have understood the workings of this universe. Now, I don't think I want to see that future. I doubt it will be much different.

I'm sure it will be crazy good in some ways, but imagine if just knowing E=MC^2 created the atom bomb. What this brilliant but undoubtedly flawed species would come in once we do find that "theory of everything".

If believing in your own god can cause such havoc in this world, imagine if humans could actually play god. I just hope that whoever does eventually have the ability to play god has a heart of gold. I doubt it, but I hope so.

Human race: Fucking up since the time of the apes.

Adieu

Right. Time for some therapy.

"Doc, I feel depressed, confused and de-motivated. What-ever shall I do"

Doc: "Grow a pair"

Seems like this is the only way to get out of this one alive. Time to grow a pair. It sounds so easy. I know for a fact that its not going to be. My life is being shaken to the core right now and I have to figure out a way to come out of it alive. Not only alive, but functional. Got another 60 odd years left of my natural life. Its a long time to survive, longer if I don't get my head straight.

Doomsday is closing in. I feel it now, it breathes its heavy breath on my neck. It drips from my eyes and moistens my cheeks. I can't see past it yet. I don't know what lies beyond the inevitable. It is inevitable now, it always was, but it seems even more so now. Just wish that I could share it with someone.

I may come out stronger from this, thats the plan. But I know for a fact that I'll always be broken. I'm never going to be the same. My identity, my innocence has been slowly eroding away.

"Will I be me, doc?"

"You will be what she wanted you to be. You will be what she has imagined your life is going to be after she's gone. Then when it comes time for you to move on, you will hopefully be able to feel her smiling down on you, ushering you to her. Even though you don't believe in it.

She will live on, through you."

And then he hit bottom

In to lower depths I fall

At my own will

She sings in to my ear

into the depths she calls

Misery has come to me in a song

She flows through me like a drug

Unable to stop taking hits

Even though I know its wrong

I am only a man

She lifted me up, gave me hope

Then she woke me

Only a boy, never a man

I listen to her once again

She hums to me softly

Her subliminal torture

life from me it drains..